a perfect solution
there really isn’t a perfect solution out there, no easy way out.
i kinda always figured i’d be successful by the age 23. you know, doing what i was happy doing, saving the world, living an alternative lifestyle, getting paid, being in love.
now, i’m living off welfare and my parents are trying to convince me to marry a vietnamese doctor and lie that i actually have a boyfriend that i love. they want me to meet this guy, fall in “love” (which to them means money, security, and happiness through that) so that i will never have to worry about money because worrying about money and where your next meal comes from is sad. they want me to find a “high class” successful man, so that i can be successful.
which basically means they have no faith in me that i can be succesful independently.
look. i’m poor now, i’m not living the dream life, but i’m helping people and will eventually use my experience now for a better life for me later.
like i said, nothing comes easy. i toyed, we all toyed, with the idea of just getting some rich dude to sponsor us. keep this young, consumer, superficial lifestyle alive - avoiding the grind.
but at what cost? maybe it’s because i’m a cancer, but i can’t see myself just giving up my emotions, my wellbeing and dignity to harden myself up enough in order to get what i want and play by someone elses rules.
maybe my romanticism is outdated for our modern age.
you have to sell yourself.
Memory and Forgetting
You know those moments and significant events that make you think, ” How did I get here? Why is life so awesome? I love life, I’ll never forget this.” You’d think this would create a connective link in your brain that will never let you forget, that it’d be so significant that how could you forget. But then, think back on the years, and the eras of your life. Do you really remember those events and who you thought you were? Memory and forgetting. There are so many things that can bring those memories back, smells, textures, music, colors… Those senses that store so much more than the manipulative photos that we take with the intention - i’ll never forget this. What if the truly important events are the ones that you can’t capture on film?
I’m remembering the first time I fell in love thinking - this is what true love is, nothing can beat this feeling and if I’ll know if I’m in love if I feel like this again. After that relationship was over, it was obvious that it wasn’t really true love, but it felt like it. I still remember how that felt, but it’s like a memory. Memories are never really the same as how you felt when it happened, so I wonder if the memory of that feeling was true, and if I can ever feel that way again, or is it impossible since time changes everything.
i feel so dumb
I really have nothing to complain about as far as my life goes - in that, “well there’s a million of people worse off than you” way. We all just want to avoid pain and suffering and maintain happiness.
I hated being a teenager, but I wish I was as carefree as I was then. I miss being so uninhibated. Reminds me of this beautiful dutch girl I met in Brazil, she was 19, and our birthdays were days apart , which we celebrated together, and eventually we became what we called, “Brazilian best friends forever”.
BBFF.
She intrigued me so much, she was so young and so unafraid. We both lived in the favela together, one of the toughest ones. She would walk home alone, she would stay at gangster parties longer than I - calm and patient when the ak-47’s came out and men would be beaten to death and carried out onto the streets like a roasted hog at a wedding. She didn’t mind standing out, she was sexually explorative, could speak 4 languages fluently, and stood up for herself.
On her birthday, she seemed sad. She was turning twenty, and didn’t want to. She didn’t want to grow up, she wanted to stay a teen so that she could get away with things. “Much less responsibility you see, because any bold thing I do, I can get away with, ‘she’s just a teen’.”
I didn’t get it then, why wouldn’t you want to grow up? Drink legally? Be less of a child? I get it now though. I wish I didn’t grow up so fast. I miss polaroid summers, being playful and being that untouchable young girl that you couldn’t even begin to try and figure out.
Now I just feel aged, burnt out, heavy, and empty. I’m only 22.
You know you have a keeper when your girlf thinks of you when she is pooping and takes a picture of herself during the act to remind you of how human we all are and how nice her ass is.
Kudos to you, keeper-of-a-girlf.
edit: 5/25. This isn’t me by the way. It’s my girlfriend. lol
